Meian
by Koneko Kamiya
Summary: This was Asa no Yume, just changed the title and edited... ^_^ **For one moment of heaven I will spend the rest of eternity in hell.... Eternal bliss for I have kissed her... Eternal damnation for a demon has kissed an angel...**


*to all previous readers... this is Asa no Yume... just changed the title... Gomen... really sorry for the inconvenience*  
  
  
Meian  
By: Koneko Kamiya  
  
  
I can see her, walking through the planes of my mind... she seems lost though; I suppose she doesn't know that every corner of that reign belongs to her... for she is the queen of my thoughts.  
  
She is where my mind wonders every time it has the chance... mostly because it is the only way in which I can really see her; in which I can admire her celestial beauty.   
  
She whirls around and, for a moment, it seems she has noticed me; but I hide well. The darkness embraces me, hiding me from her emerald eyes...   
  
She is nervous... for she thinks this land is hostile towards her... but she shouldn't. She should know I wouldn't harm her, she should know I would gladly give my life away in order to save hers.   
  
With a last glance in my direction and a melodious sigh, she continues walking randomly selecting the direction. She hopes she can find a way out of this maze but it doesn't exist.  
  
She should realize what my feelings are... she should acknowledge that I need her with me. I presume she knows how much I care... that is what I try to express when I talk to her: that I need her. Physically and mentally.  
  
I can hear her steps echoing through my dark world... The blackness swirling all around her gracious figure but never actually managing to extinguish the bright light that seems to radiate from her body.  
  
She is my life line... the only light in this world of demons and regrets.  
  
I follow her.  
  
Only two steps behind her, I follow. Protecting her from the dangers of my mind... even though I am sure I would never attempt to harm her, I must be careful. She's the only thing I've got...  
  
The only thing. She's mine. We both know it, but she is not ready to acknowledge that just yet.   
  
I'll let her think she loves him... let her think that he loves her back... let her whisper out his name in her sleep... even though it's tearing me apart.  
  
The way she acts around him, the way he looks at her... are killing me inside. The pain starts in my chest and flares through all my body, carried by my blood and pounding with my every heart beat. I don't think I can bear this torture any longer... I need her.   
  
But my role, for the moment, is the one of the watcher. I'll endure all my pain as long as she is happy. The problem is that she isn't. She isn't happy.   
  
I can sense her jealousy, her confusion, her fear. Fear of loneliness mainly. I laugh.  
  
If only she knew the real meaning of loneliness... the real meaning of having your hopes crushed with every breath of air you take... a constant reminder of your solitude and grief.  
  
Pain. Now that seems a reoccurring theme in my life. I laugh again.  
  
At least I have something... even if it's something as fickle as pain.   
  
It is what rules my life... the pain of knowing that my mother chose him, my brother, over me... the pain of knowing that my mother's sacrifice was futile, for that brother has now destroyed our father's country and commands the enemy's forces... the pain of knowing that I will have to hurt my only friend in order to find some sort of happiness myself.   
  
And that happiness lives in that girl, that beautiful girl that wonders lost before my eyes.   
  
But, in order for me to find that happiness, I have to survive this inferno of emotions...  
  
It is darker now... I can feel their fingers clawing at me. At me who took their lives away...   
  
Demons. No, that is incorrect. I am the demon. I killed them, murdered them. I think my sword still isn't clean of their crimson blood... it will never be clean for the red liquid has stained the cold steel for eternity. Stained my soul.   
  
Incorrect again.  
  
My soul was never pure... for I am a descendant of the Dark Ones.   
  
Beautiful. That's the word she used to describe my curse. Shaking my head I realize she doesn't understand. Merle's just blinded by her childish adoration for me, but... but she called them beautiful.   
  
Maybe she will be able to accept me.   
  
No, how could she accept what I am? What I did, what I did was unforgivable. She's pure and she deserves better than me, but I can't. I can't let go of her.  
  
I have found her and she's mine to keep.  
  
With a ghostly hand, I reach out to her and let my fingers brush against the warm skin of her neck.   
She shivers.   
  
Darkness caressing light.  
  
My fingers travel from her neck to her jaw and then I let them linger against her soft lips...For some reason she doesn't seem to dislike my attentions...  
  
The feeling of her warm breath on my fingers is enough to force myself to make the decision that could change my life. Will change my life.  
  
But whether it will signal the end or the beginning is not for me to know...   
  
Her small hand then grabs my wrist, but her hold does not tighten; her fingers simply encircle my forearm... I feel her silky hair brush against my arm as she turns around, her eyes closed...  
  
I hear her gasp as she feels my lips brush lovingly against her own... my eyelids fluttering shut as I hold her close. Licking her lips I deepen the kiss.  
  
For one moment of heaven I will spend the rest of eternity in hell....  
  
Eternal bliss for I have kissed her...   
  
Eternal damnation for a demon has kissed an angel...  
  
These thoughts are soon forgotten as I feel her responding to my kiss, wrapping her arms round my neck and running her fingers through my hair. My arms encircle her waist pressing her against me, her pendant crushed between us...  
  
I am stunned when she pushes me away forcefully. Stunned but aware of the direction my life has taken.  
  
Self-destruction.  
  
I knew it was too soon, she wasn't ready for that yet. My eyes can't bear the burden of seeing her cry, for I am sure what I did caused her pain, therefore I look at the ground covered in ashes. Trying to drown the sense of despair I find comfort in the thought that I will soon be able to end my pain.   
  
With a weak smile I notice the irony of it all.   
  
Ash. Fire becomes ash. And that's what I'll become even though my life never knew the brightness of that light. But we're more similar than I thought. Fire brings destruction, I cause destruction.  
  
Another weak smile tugs at my lips.   
  
I turn to walk away; she doesn't need me anymore. How delusional of me to think she could have actually been with me.   
  
I am surprised as I hear her moan my name... I wasn't expecting that.  
  
I didn't think she could say it in such a way that sent shivers down my spine... She grabs my shoulder and forces me to turn around.  
  
I don't resist her even if... but I don't want to.  
  
More pain, that's what I'm looking for but I find none.  
  
Just her soft hand caressing my cheek, drying the tears that, I hadn't realized, had silently began to fall. Falling down to my jaw and then dripping onto the muddy ground.  
  
I still haven't mustered the courage to look into those eyes... but she forces me to stare into her face as she closes the distance between us, her thumb pushing down on my chin forcing my lips to part just before I feel hers.  
  
Maybe... maybe I will be happy. Maybe I'll be able to make her happy.  
  
Darkness and Light...   
  
Always opposite but never able to exist without the other.   
  
An angel is kissing a demon.  
  
Redemption...  
  
...she has saved me again.  
  
  
~owari~  
  
  
Yes, I know that was weird... my first attempt at writing in first person.  
  
Gomen guys... just changed the title because I think this fits best...  
  
Meian means 'darkness and light, shade and light' ...   
  
Disclaimer: Escaflowne does not belong to me... is it really necessary that I tell you every time?   
  
  
Neway. I'd really like to know what you think of this... ^_^   
  
luv,   
Koneko  
=^.^=  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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